I am currently 'between homes' - rather in the way that actors refer to being 'between jobs'... in so much as I actually have no home of my own at the moment. The last two years have proved unsettling in ways that I could not have envisaged and I had found myself increasingly longing for a proper bit of garden, easier access to the countryside and a reason to go home from work. Of course, I had forgotten what a trauma selling up and finding a new home is - and this time, I am conscious that I really don't want to be doing this again. Not least because it is so expensive to move, but also because I have to face the reality that this is probably it for me. The last couple of years have hammered home the unavoidable truth that life is finite. And at pushing 55, on my own for almost 10 years now, my options are undeniably narrowing. So this feels like a huge life step. Again. I have debated long and hard with myself about what I want and need, what I am just settling for (and there absolutely is a resigned element of that) and what my future looks like. I have no idea if I have found any of the answers yet or if I ever will really but I knew with certainty that I needed to move on from my little house in the city. It was right 7 years ago but not any more. I still struggle with not really having anyone to bounce ideas off - friends help and offer advice, sometimes very sound and rational, sometimes giving away their own preferences and insecurities. But they don't have to live with the decision and I do feel a little sad that life has not worked out for me so that I have someone not just to share the decisions with but also the dreams, the pleasure and the prospect of just 'doing nothing' with.
But it is what it is, so in the meantime, having sold my house very quickly and failed to find somewhere new, I am staying in a variety of empty houses while I hunt. It is giving me an opportunity to walk in new places and lots of thinking time...
Woodland paths with early bright flowers...
Daffodils alongside gentle streams...
And crossing a particularly bleak and blustery field, sudden movement ahead as a family of deer ran across the footpath...
A full rainbow over moody skies, which I wasn't quite quick enough to catch at its most vivid...
And today, though we started with a sprinkling of snow and the blue skies belie the bitter chill of the wind, it was good to get out and feel the sunshine. The hedgerows are frothy with blossom...
And, although you can't really see it here, there is the beginnings of fresh green in the branches...
The church looked striking against the sky...
With beautiful Easter flowers at the door...
Trying to just breathe and live each day...
S x
