constancy...

Since my last post life has turned itself somehow upside down...

Lots of change happening and it has been painful and difficult and will probably continue to be for some time. Too difficult to go into here - suffice to say, I am unlikely to manage any more garden mid month pics and I haven't taken even one of the photos for the scavenger hunt this month. And am not likely to. At some point I expect I will be able to bring you up to date - I have had some very kind and thoughtful messages which are appreciated and have helped hugely.

However...crochet has continued. In fact, I have probably done more in the last few weeks than I have managed for a while...in part because I have been diverting my attention with it and in part because Christmas is looming nearer and required me to get on with it!!

So, time for a quick update...

Progress on the ripple blanket...

I was a bit surprised to see just how much this has grown when I laid it out properly today - I think I am nearly there!!! Maybe a dozen or so more stripes then I think it will be time to tackle a border. If I'm honest I'm a little undecided about a border - maybe it doesn't need it? But then I always think a border just finishes things off? Any thoughts?

Whichever I do, I am enjoying the colours and the stripes and the rhythmic ripply creation of this blanket. Plus I am sleeping under this blanket-in-progress (unsewn ends and all!) and it is a lovely cosy layer.

The other makes are pressies...

You'll have to excuse the photos! Its not easy to take a picture from arms length, 'blind' - particularly when you are trying to keep your chin out of the way! You may remember I mentioned ages ago the King Cole Riot yarn I bought in Derbyshire - well it has been made into this lacy scarf...

This was an easy pattern of treble clusters that grew in no time and was quick to finish.

Plus...

...a twirly scarf! Again, very easy to do, just lots of trebles on a big hook but very loooong rows! This wool/acrylic blend does work up into lovely soft fabric and I do hope the recipients will like them! 

I have almost finished a second twirly scarf...

...only, irritatingly, I was just a little bit short and had to go and buy another ball today. Which means, of course, that there will be some over...!

Hope to get back into regular swing of blogland once things settle down, til then, thanks for popping by.

Sx

strange times...

The last couple of weeks have been very strange. Some professional and personal highs but an overwhelming feeling that things are 'not quite right'. 

And I can't quite explain, to myself or anyone else, how or why I feel like this. Change seems inevitable, and confusing and scary. I don't know if this will make any sense but I need to get some of this out of my head and try to be a bit more objective. Feel free to stop reading now - this post has no joy or colour and I can't find a happy place today. Its really just for my own 'therapy'.

A very long time ago I put myself into a 'box'. At the time, that was exactly where I thought I wanted to be. It felt like a safe place that represented independence and having a 'grown up' life. The trouble was, I wasn't grown up at all and didn't know who I was or how to think. And before very long, I think I realised that the box was going to feel very cramped and I might not have room to grow.

But by then my box was spinning along on life's path and there was a reason for me to be in that place - there were other people who needed me and my purpose was firmly tied to it.

For much of the time, this has been OK. It hasn't been an unhappy place all the time and probably one I should feel very grateful for. Which makes me feel particularly guilty that I feel the constraints so keenly now that I am not so 'needed'.

Over the last few years I have had a few opportunities to push open the lid and breathe some bright new air. And on a few occasions escape the box altogether for a while. And that has been liberating and stimulating and has helped me to finally learn some things about myself. But it has not always been easy to come back to the box and experiences outside feel like a separate world. 

I have no desire to hurt the people I love who are inevitably affected by any change. It seems that the world outside is an exciting and inviting place but what if I'm wrong? What if the lid springs shut and I lose everything and everyone connected with that previous safe place?

I feel as though I'm in a very lonely place and I know no-one else can give me any answers.  It has been suggested that I will never be happy, that I will always be looking for something else. I don't think that's true, but perhaps that is a risk?

I don't want to be sad and unhappy and I don't want to cause any more sadness and unhappiness. Neither do I want to pretend there is no problem and end up angry and bitter. I think life is too precious for that and all of us deserve better.

I don't know if this makes any sense - not sure it does to me really. 

Will try to find some happy things for next time.

Sx

finding the inner child...

Today has been grey, drizzly and generally grim. Difficult to feel enthusiastic about anything, let alone the thought of standing in a muddy field in the dark for best part of an hour.

But...the rain just stopped in time, the jacket potatoes and chilli were in the oven so we set off for the local fireworks display...

Our village is only small but it is renowned for its pretty spectacular firework display and attended by hundreds of people crowding onto the small private airfield.

The bonfire was already getting going by the time we arrived, chucking out an appreciable amount of heat even at a distance...

And there is something about fireworks that just rekindles that bit of child in me...

I think its that sense of anticipation combined with lovely colours and patterns...

I love the sound and the smells...

This one crackled like popping candy...

Its not quite the same going without excited small children in tow - the one big person who came with us disassociated himself as soon as possible! But it still gave me a much needed buzz.

Hope you all had sparkly times tonight.

Sx