November musings...

At risk of sounding like my grandmother...where on earth has this year gone?

I have just been browsing through a few blogs and I realised I have been rubbish at keeping my thoughts and memories in print this year. It looks as though I did nothing at all in October and my ability to recall anything in any detail is so lousy that it will probably stay that way.

In fact I have been silly busy. I've been a bit buried in work - if I'm honest, there is probably an element of 'head in the sand' there. I have been there a long time, I know what I'm doing and I feel like I have something to contribute. And I have very good friends there. At home it's all still very unsettled and if I have too much time on my hands I have an annoying tendency to over-analyse and make myself feel a bit rubbish. So I find myself at work way more than I should be and more than ever I think I'm not doing a good job on the work-life balance thing. Life is never endingly complicated!

I am really struggling to feel good about the changing seasons. I go to work in the dark, I come home in the dark. Its been cold and wet and generally a bit grim. Yuk. 

I have days when I just don't want to get out of bed.

I have taken next to no photos and I think on most days I've forgotten to look at the little things.

But I have had some highlights...and I think I just need to give myself a little nudge to remember..

I've been to the theatre - Death on the Nile and The Marriage of Figaro, culturally miles apart but each great in their way. I was a closet Agatha Christie reader as a teenager and loved the play at the theatre. I'm a newbie to opera - this was only the second I've been to - but I'm loving the experience. At risk of sounding a complete philistine, I'm not sure operatic farce is quite my cup of tea - the music was beautiful but the story was just a bit silly...

I've seen some really good films at the cinema - all quite different but good in their own way. Untouchable made me laugh and cry, Beasts of the Southern Wild was moving and beautiful and Skyfall this evening was...well, Bond, of course.

I've done a bit of 'Gawd, must think about Christmas...' and begun to make a few pressies. Inspired by this post and having happened on some lovely soft Rowan Cashsoft (merino, cashmere and acrylic blend) in the bargain bucket at John Lewis, I made a shawl which I think I'll give to my sister. It only took a couple of evenings - if I ever get a chance and some decent daylight, I'll take some pics and post it. I have a few birthdays to cover with pre Christmas too and have some sewing ideas in mind for those. Just waiting for some holiday time to get on with them...

I've joined a gym. Bit of a bargain basement one but clean and has all the kit and I imagine one gym is pretty much like another. I don't think I will ever feel entirely comfortable with the whole communal sweating in lycra thing, but it does mean I can keep up my running through the winter ('cause I am way too much of a cold wimp to get up and run early in the dark and the rain...).

I've spent time with lovely people - some good friends who know just when is the right night to say "I can't face eating alone tonight, why don't you come over?" and my lovely sons who have given me more strength than I feel I should ever have expected from them. 

It is very strange to be 'with' one person for the best part of 30 years and then barely have any contact at all and whilst I know that this was a necessary step, the journey is difficult and painful. I feel enormous waves of guilt and sadness and I do miss aspects of that relationship hugely. You have so much shared history - we grew up together, or at least alongside each other, and there are things we know about each other that no-one else does. I hope one day, we will be able to look back and think we weren't unkind to each other and that we both have a better chance of being happy now. I think we are beginning to make baby steps towards unravelling our joint lives so that we can both be individuals. But its a bit of a roller coaster ride and some days are much tougher than others.

Overall, I have lots to be happy and grateful for and I just need to remember to tell myself that sometimes! I quite miss the photo scavenger hunt lists - I need a bit of a kick to motivate me sometimes, perhaps I should set myself a little visual challenge to kick me out of myself a bit... 

Anyway, enough, this wasn't meant to be morose - just a reflection on where I'm at. Life goes on and I have to believe things will sort themselves for the best in the end. Onwards and upwards and all that...

Sx 

and back in the room...

It seems like an age but finally...I can reconnect!

Such a lot has happened in the last few months, I feel I may take a while to catch up with myself. Much of it is of no interest to anyone else and I'm not sure I want to log for posterity so will probably go unsaid. What is certain, having had a quick glance, is that I will definitely not catch up with the  long list of blogs I haven't read so going to start afresh from today!

I do have a whole lot of photos I want to share - a bit of this...

...a bit of this...

and other things that have helped me keep going...

I want to share something of my new surroundings and some of what life has brought my way...

BUT...and this is quite a big but..! Being cut off from the internet has been something of an education! In lots of ways it has been a complete pain - no access to so many important things (just have a count today of how many times you read, hear or are told "just check on the website...", my phone bill was enormous this month), have felt cut off from things I enjoy or count as social connections - I could go on (believe me, I have really missed the web!!!). But - I have probably done more 'other' stuff by force of having more time - I have read several books, finished the ripple blanket, a pair of socks, a jumper, listened to a lot of radio, been for long walks, read the paper (can't remember when I last did that! still can't finish the crossword...) etc etc

So...I am aiming to be a bit more disciplined with my web time - do the 'have to do' stuff first then allow a bit of browsing time but maybe have a cut off so I go and do something else! Aim for more balance...that seems to be something I should probably apply to life in general!

Overall though, glad to be back, looking forward to seeing what people are up to, very grateful for the messages I have had during my downtime and may have a little rush of posts in the next few days while I bring myself up to date!

Til then

Sx

more time please!!!

I don't know where this week has gone!

In theory, having longer days ought to make it possible to squeeze more into the day, right? Well, either I am very disorganised or there just seems to be more to do and I still run out of hours!

I read a blog post last week written by a stay at home mum, who was describing how full her days are - of baking, making, family and blogging plus all the other stuff that keeping a house and home happy and healthy involves. I don't have any problem with that - people make their own choices about what is right for them and their families according to what their circumstances allow. But I do think that there is busy and busy! 

I can only speak for myself, but I work 40 official hours a week (plus a whole lot of unofficial, unpaid hours - welcome to public services!) and try to be a 'good mum'. And that's where I think the problem is. Many of us judge ourselves by our ability to keep on top of everything and consequently carry a lot of guilt when we don't quite feel we're managing it. I have so many friends who are in the same position as me - working long hours, studying, running a home and feeling generally dissatisfied with their lot. 

Sometimes it is difficult to keep things in perspective and that was part of the reason I started to write this blog - so that I could get a sense of balance about the good and happy things. There are lots of good bits in my life; lots of things that I enjoy and appreciate and somehow recording bits out of my day makes me realise that actually I achieve quite a bit. Would I like to be able to be a stay at home, baking, blogging, crafting girl? Sometimes, yes. But I would so miss the stimulation of the challenges at work and my work colleagues that I know I, personally, would go a bit stir crazy! 

This last week has been so ridiculously hectic that I have barely found time to take photos and haven't managed a blog post at all! In between work and shopping, collecting son 2 from Derbyshire, finding a car for son 2 (courtesy of the bank, who I have to be nice to for a year now...), arranging insurance, finder cheaper electricity supplier (£10/month less! result!), balancing the bank accounts and trying to keep enough cake in the tins and food in the cupboards for hungry menfolk, I have caught up with a few friends, had two spontaneous trips out to see Eliza Doolittle & Stacey Kent (courtesy of short notice tickets going begging) and even squeezed in a little bit of crochet (I am nearly to the edging of the daisy blanket - no photos yet!). 

Am I on top of everything? No!!! But...the sun has been shining, I've had some fun this week, my family are all back at home for a bit and if there is a generous coating of dust on everything, just for now, I can't worry!

Yesterday was so lovely, I spent pretty much all day out in the garden trying to beat the weeds into submission. I do love the garden but boy, does it take up some time! Yesterday was serious clearing, weeding, cutting back day (fingers crossed no more heavy frost!) and although it looks a bit 'butchered'  at the moment I am hoping I can now keep on top of it with a quick potter round every week or so... We'll see!

The daffs are nearly finished now but the blossom on the trees is gorgeous and buzzing with honey bees. 

I can never quite decide which is my favourite - the crab apple starts off deep pink and then opens into fragrant pale pink flowers. The plum has delicate all white flowers and the apple has buds that look as though they have been brushed with the palest pink. I think I love them all and they are particularly gorgeous against a blue sky.

The flower beds are filling out with lush new growth now - although I did make a few bare patches pulling out nettles, couch grass and some horrible creeping weed that seems to have wound its way through every plant (seriously, my garden has been badly neglected for some time!).

Up close, there is so much colour and detail appearing...

Don't you think it is amazing that nature produces so many beautiful and different shapes and colours? 

At one point we had a complete family effort going on - we cleared the pond (sorry newts and frogs, but it was getting so choked up with plants - I hope they've all found their way back; today I have to get rid of the slimy roots and weeds that we left on the side so the creepy crawlies could all get home), we sanded and re-oiled my bench, we lopped overgrown branches...

It was lovely to have all my grown up boys out with us - pond-dipping remains as fascinating to a certain 22 year old as it did when he was 10!

Revitalised bench! This is surrounded by honeysuckle and is a lovely place to sit in the evening later in the summer when the smell is just divine.

And from here the view is...

 

This was taken about 6pm and the sun was still bright and warm, casting long shadows across the garden.

We have this tree that I really love - it is very late to come into leaf (no sign at all yet) but it has this amazing bark that peels off to reveal lovely reddish brown new bark underneath. Its called a paperbark maple and yesterday evening the sun made it glow. 

All in all - A Good Day. 

Now today... I have to crack on with the long list of jobs outstanding...

• Write blog post - check!
• Washing (this might be a challenge - the water has just been turned off!!)
• Clean & tidy round.
• Shopping
• Make tea/cakes
• Write article for patient support group
• Complete patient safety project 'next step' work
• Ironing 
• Tackle the front garden
• Get rid of smelly pond debris!
• Collect monitoring equipment from patient's home 
• Make a bit more progress with dissertation...

I daren't put it on the list as a 'to do' but I might try and sneak a bit of hooking in there...

It is entirely possible that I will not manage all of this! But I have made a note to self... do what you can and be happy with that!

Til next time then...

Sx

a day of thinking...

Had lots of time for thinking today - not always a good thing for me as I begin to feel like my brain is fried and then I go off onto all sorts of random directions.

I am currently involved in a project at work that requires regular trips to London for meetings and today was one of Those. I don't mind it overly - although it ends up being a long day, I've always loved going on the train so I still get a bit excited about the journey.

It has to be said, not nearly as excited as the party of year 4 school children (what's that? about 9 or 10 yr olds?) that were in my carriage this morning! I think perhaps national rail should redefine 'complimentary seat reservation'!! Someone was having a laugh! I'd had this bright idea I would read some articles for my MSc on the 2 hr journey but the noise of squealing girls put paid to that! They were quite amusing though - conversation of kids that age is always a bit of an eye opener. It was very clear that quite a few of them had never been on a train before and certainly never been to London. One little girl was all ready to get off the train at Diss and had to be convinced by her rather know it all friend that this was definitely not London! And several decided to start their 'snacks' within minutes of setting off on the 7.30 train - cheese and onion crisps at that time in the morning?!!!

I was glad of my ipod and book and had a pleasant couple of hours with Laura Marling, Johnny Flynn and Noah & the Whale muting the shrieking while I concentrated on my read of the moment...

I have enjoyed all of Sebastian Faulks that I have read and am engrossed in this one, bought for me for christmas by No. 1 son, which explores the development of psychiatry at the end of the 19th century, through the lives of two friend and their families.

I have struggled to make time to read of late - I think because I carry a lot of irrational guilt about 'what else' I should be doing. Somehow sitting down with a book feels like such a self indulgent thing to do when there is Stuff that should be sorted/cooked/cleaned/written... Funnily enough I had been thinking that once I have got this degree over with I might have another go at reading some of those books everyone says you 'should' read when I read todays blog post from The Girl about what defines a classic in terms of books, which made me think of it all over again. There is so much out there that I have never read and a number of books that have been on my must do list for such a long time - Anna Karenina, Madame Bovary and lots more that son 1 (who is an English graduate) can't quite believe I've never read. I think I have decided that whilst I would like to read some of those books classed as 'classics' I will only do so if they captivate me and draw me in - I have to enjoy the language and the skill of the writer as I have no desire to make reading a slog instead of a pleasure. 

The meeting itself required some serious thinking... I always come away from these things feeling stimulated and driven but frustrated in equal measure as the confines of the day job make it so challenging to do the kind of developmental work that is being demanded. It is good, though, to be in an environment where people are interested and value your contributions - quite affirming as it certainly doesn't always feel like that at home! One of the tasks we were asked to do today was to consider our attitudes and beliefs and how that (and those of others around us) are affected by change and decision making. 

Of course, this made me think about my attitudes to life generally; the problem is, I then get to too much thinking about whether I should make some serious life changes to address the bits of my life that feel unfulfilled somehow. I know I have a lot to feel happy about but I can't help feeling that there must be a bit more than this? It doesn't seem right that away from home I feel as though I'm challenged to use my brain and although this means I'm often outside my comfort zone, it makes me feel 'alive' somehow. At home, a lot of the time conversation is very limited and mundane - life has just become so functional; just a process of getting through each day. Of course, there are things each day that I find uplifting, often in just some small way and it is these things I had hoped to capture on this blog, but I don't want to just plod through the remainder of my life counting my way through the working days, the meals and the loads of washing! I want to be able to look forward to each day and importantly to look forward to my at home time too.

As I said...too much thinking. I go round and round in circles because in my heart of hearts I know I am a) not brave enough to make the leap to a different life and b) not prepared to cause major disruption to everyone else that I love. Is the grass really any greener on the other side? I don't know. 

For now, I think I have to try to find my happy places, take the opportunities that I can and not become bitter about the rest.

So here's to positive thinking...

Sx