chaos...

Seems to be unending muddle at the moment. Doesn't do much for my spirits to be honest but I keep reminding myself this is all just steps along the way and eventually, at some point, we will all come out the other side enriched by the experience... At least that's the mantra I'm trying to tell myself!

Over the last few weeks, I have been trying to empty and sort and repack. After 20 years in one place, it is astonishing just how much stuff has accumulated! And made doubly difficult by the fact that I'm not actually living in that house now so have been going back in pretty much every spare moment to try to keep on top of the house and garden and begin to make it manageable to move everything out.

I wish I was the kind of person that could just be ruthless and thrash through everything but I seem to have to open every box and sort it bit by bit. I have found some gems along the way - some things that have made me laugh and some that have made me cry - and I have got rid of loads one way and another (hurrah for Freecycle!).

But there is just so much stuff... 

I seem to have enough duvets, sleeping bags and blankets to warm a small army (this is only some!) to say nothing of the endless airbeds... Why???!! No idea! This is pre the days of crochet so all of these came from various trips, family etc. Which is my problem! Everything I find has a memory attached - was given by someone loved or is associated with particular events and there is something very tangible about feeling those memories come back to life as you handle everything. I really struggled to part with the blanket on the top - I think it came on every beach trip or car ride and had every conceivable picnic item dropped on it at one time or another.

But... space is definitely an issue and I have to let things go so I had the bright idea of donating all these to the homeless charities... Only, can you believe it, they don't need them!!! Just as we head into winter it seems they are inundated with similar donations, though I struggle to understand how there can be no takers for a bit of warmth. Tom and I were tempted to take one out with us each time we go into the city and hand them out that way! Looks like they are going to pet charity instead - oh well, might keep a poorly pooch warm somewhere!

We did find this motley crew...

My childhood cuddly toys - from the left, my teddy bear - modelled on Teddy Robinson (anyone remember him?!) complete with dress and pants (no issues with cross dressing in our house!), a rather grubby knitted cat that I don't think I dare wash and a dog that never quite stood up because his head is a bit top heavy for his body! Tom has arranged them on my bed to keep me company!

We also found my Mum's bear...

I remember being slightly frightened of this rather cross looking koala as a child but he must be over 70 years old so I can't really part with him now can I!

Always a bit alarming when you come across a box labelled like this...

You just know that won't be a 5 minute sort out!

My tiny living room quickly descended into this chaos...

I have had to be a bit ruthless and I have scythed my way slowly (is that a bit of a mixed metaphor?!) through it. 

I had piles of Prima magazines - dating back to the very first issue in 1986!!

These were a bit like reading a social commentary of my adult life - with their range of hairstyles, make up and clothes. Some of the content is interesting to as an illustration of how much attitudes have changed - its a reminder of how recently, women were still primarily expected to be homemakers and family cornerstones. Not that there is anything wrong with that, and to a degree it is still true I suspect, but there does seem to be a thread of 'don't worry your little head about anything more serious' in the earlier copies.

I came across some fabulous old patterns too. This one sticks in my mind...

I made it in white mohair (I still have a ball that was left over!) and wore it for the first time at my 18th birthday party. Traumatic. Hadn't accounted for white underwear being much more responsive to the ultraviolet light at the disco... Mortified on the dance floor.

Thank goodness I never subjected my sons to any of these...

I'm not sure they'd have made it out of school alive if I'd made them wear 'Ski Cap' or 'Helmet (with brim down)!!

And I was obviously tempted enough by this stunning jumper pattern to cut it out of the magazine...

But I did find some fabulous pre war embroidery transfers that belonged to my Nanny and a linen tablecloth that has had the embroidery started, plus a baby blanket I started in March 1993 (what was I thinking of trying to knit a complicated pattern for baby no 3?!!) and some incomplete patchwork and a whole load of bits of fabric 'just in case'... So some things have gone back into storage for when the dust has settled and I need a 'project' and some I have jettisoned after a lengthy reminisce.

I have pored over my boys reception writing and paintings, and a whole box of Mothers day, Christmas and Easter cards...

Most of those I just cannot part with...

I still have a box of my diaries, dating back to about 1981 to look at! I should probably just throw them - I know there is going to be a fair amount of teen angst and a lot that will bring a lot of emotions to the fore - but I feel compelled to put myself through it. I can't really explain why. In a way, I think there is a sense of understanding who I am and how I got to be this person in this place in time. And although bits of it are painful in the extreme (notes and cards my husband and I wrote to each other, some before we were even married, my wedding dress...) in some ways they are at least a reminder that it wasn't all a disaster and that we did get married with conviction and for all the right reasons. I'm just at something of a loss to know quite how and when we allowed all those feelings to slip away.

But they did, and we are where we are. I have to believe that once all this muddle is over we will both be in a happier place and can cherish what we had and the contribution we have made to each others lives. 

In the meantime, we are at the mercy of solicitors and estate agents and I just have everything crossed that the t's will be crossed and the i's dotted before too much longer.

beyond proud...

There's a time for fretting about life changing events... and there's a time for just being a very proud Mummy. Last week was one of those...

Lovely day, still can't quite believe I have two graduate sons, mainly because it seems no time since I was taking their photos in new school uniforms! How did that happen?! They are such nice people to be with and I am very proud of them all.

Thankyou so much for all your good wishes with the house sale, still waiting with everything crossed...

S x

bunting...

I had every intention of whipping up a big pile of crochet triangles to contribute to the colourful yarnfest about to happen at Yarndale in Skipton, Yorkshire. I had even made tentative plans to go - I have a good friend who has just moved to Harrrogate and we had entertained thoughts of a catch up. But events of the last few weeks/months have rather overtaken me and in the end I only managed a paltry few triangles...

Anyway, I have sent them up to Yorkshire in any case and hope they will be a little extra addition to the mountain of bunting that seems to be amassing up there. Looking forward to seeing the pictures, maybe I'll make it next year...

And...I almost don't dare to say it...but looks like we have a buyer for the house... Subject to all the usual survey, contracts etc etc but its very possible that my connection with my former home will be over in all bar my mind in the next few weeks. Bizarre mixture of relief, sadness and sheer terror at the amount of sorting and packing there is yet to do...

May be absent from blogland for a bit!

S x

Next steps...

How difficult is it to describe your home of 20 years to an estate agent? After weeks of spending pretty much any time I've not been at work going back to my 'old' house to paint, clear, garden and tidy, today was finally D-day. The 'property listing manager' (estate agent, surely??!) came with his clipboard and camera and inspected the home we made and brought our boys up in with the necessary detached charm that I guess has to go with the job. Next week, we are officially up for sale.

I felt compelled to take my own photos, just for my memory's sake and to try to capture some of the memories walking round with a stranger evoked. It was difficult to be enthusiastic about the 'lovely farmland views' or the 'double aspect kitchen' - I wanted to say, never mind that! This is the place that the boys learned to ride bikes and where noisy birthday parties happened!

It's nothing special in terms of bricks and mortar...

Ex-local authority, extended before we moved here, but with 'ample parking' - enough to accommodate New Years Eve parties and family get togethers.

The kitchen has been the hub of the home - where the boys spent hours with playdoh and learnt to cook for real...

Where homework was pored over and as many as could be squeezed round the table for Christmas and birthday meals...

And in the lounge, we've played games and opened presents and snuggled on the sofa...

This isn't a 'sun lounge'... it's the room that was once painted a shade of turquoise to look like summer sea, with sea creatures I spent days painting all round the walls and a blackboard that saw much creative activity. It was a room filled with noise and lego and train sets. Where boxes became cars and houses and shops. Where the boys and their cousins entertained us with 'shows'. Before much later evolving into a teen den, with a pool table and a guitar, a secondhand playstation attached to a battered old TV with room for singing and dancing. 

This is the room my youngest son was born in, 20 years ago almost to the day...

And where all 5 of us have sat amidst a pile of wrapping paper and stockings to see what Father Christmas had brought.

How do you distill all these things into the number of power points and the size of the rooms? 

But I think it is time for this house to be filled with other children and happy sounds. We do need to take that next step and move on with the rest of our lives. So I'm trying not to feel sad and reminding myself this is a positive step forward. The memories are in my head and my heart and if I've learnt anything over the last couple of years its that wherever you happen to be living, and whatever material things are around you, you don't have to dig too deep to retrieve precious moments. 

I'm just hoping the promised boost to the housing market works in our favour. I'm not sure how long I want to be cleaning and gardening from afar to keep things looking tidy for people to look round. A quick sale would be best all round.

Its just a house, after all...

summer madness...?

I think its possible I'm going a bit bonkers. On Saturday I went into the city for some essential bits of shopping...only to find I'd left my purse at home... (yep, realised at the till...)

And then today, in the midst of painting, cleaning windows and ordering this...

(how depressing is it to spend silly amounts of money on vinyl flooring for a house you aren't living in?! One of those jobs that never got done, but the pending appearance of estate agent & viewers means the 25yr old flooring has to go! I'm sure the chap in the shop thought I was mad when I said I didn't really care which one, whichever worked out cheapest!)

Anyway, in the midst of all that...I got an urge too get the preserving pan out! Because what we really needed today, was homemade tomato ketchup!

I think it was something to do with having done precious little in the way of preserves this year - marmalade early on, but no jam, no pickles and no chutney. And there is something very satisfying about making those things. And I'd seen a recipe for ketchup and have never made it before (other sauces, yes, but not tomato ketchup).

And the tomatoes were local and just so delicious looking...

Never mind that (as Tom helpfully pointed out!) we don't eat much ketchup, and there seems to be enough here for a small army...

Never mind that this took about 3 1/2 hrs of chopping, stirring, sieving and bottling...

Never mind that the entire house now smells of sticky, spicy vinegar...

Those lovely juicy tomatoes were transformed...

Inevitably, I didn't have enough bottles - in any case, its something of a habit to not quite sterilise enough jars/bottles for whatever I'm doing...!

But eventually... industrial quantities of Norfolk Tomato Ketchup!

I hope it tastes nice, otherwise it will have been an awful waste of those lovely fresh tomatoes! And I will be hunting out 'things to do with ketchup' recipes...

I am feeling slightly as though I've had a meltdown moment, this hadn't even made it on to the to do list! But there is something incredibly therapeutic about making and potting things into lovely bottles that you just knew would come in useful one day! (Oh lordy, beginning to think like my mother...!)

Off to try to sleep now and refocus on the important jobs! No more faffing allowed tomorrow!

S x

brightening my life...

Life feels a little like a long haul of work, painting, gardening and clearing at the moment in an effort to make things ready to get my home of 20 years on the market and dismantle my old life. In some ways it feels like essential 'life laundry' stuff, but it's heartbreaking at each step of the way and fraught with difficulties. And exhausting. Hence my inability to sum up the energy to post anything on here of late. But there are always things that brighten up the days and just occasionally I remember to take a few photos!

Literally brightening in the case of the post-Lord Mayor's Procession fireworks! The procession is an annual event in Norwich that sees a long procession of music, dancers and floats (some very wacky!) wind its way through the streets and culminates in a spectacular display from the castle...

Little things...like this rose hedge bordering a city house front garden which I thought was just lovely...

Hollyhocks in my 'old' garden, have always loved these towering traditional flowers...

I haven't managed much crochet or knitting but did finish this project in time for my sister's birthday...

The dark colours look terribly dark on here, but actually navy and purple and (don't tell anyone!) the lining was made from cotton tea-towels! In the absence of finding anything else suitable and balking at the price of the flimsy cottons that didn't really look up to the job... In my defence, they were new ones and a much better weight for the purpose...

This friendly neighbourhood moggie that just came and plonked itself down on my feet in the garden yesterday, no idea who it belongs to but it made me smile...

I'm not a big fan of hydrangeas and my tiny rented garden is a bit over-run with the monsters, in my opinion, but up close in the sunshine yesterday I was quite taken with the intricacy of the flowerheads...

And finally, though I don't often post pics of them, these two lovely boys definitely brighten my days and keep me going, way more than they can possibly know...

Here's to bright spots in all our days...

S x

gardeners delight...

As those of you who pass by here now and again will know, I am split between two homes and two gardens at the moment. This is a mixed blessing. Infinitely difficult in many ways but equally full of small joys. Like this clematis which burst into flower whilst I was away.

This is in my tiny terraced rented garden and I honestly can't remember it from last year. Perhaps it did flower but certainly not as profusely as it has this year.

Even on a dull day it is brightening up this little space and I am enjoying the view from my kitchen window at the moment...

Meanwhile, back at the 'other' garden I feel as though I'm trying to immortalise what's there in little snapshots in time.

It is proving something of a challenge to maintain it from a distance but the borders still have a bit of colour that hasn't got too unruly just yet. The honeysuckle has gone a bit mad but smells heavenly. And there is the promise of more to come - delphiniums and hollyhocks shooting skywards, just hope I can time my visits when they are flower!

Last week I uncovered from the slightly rampant purple loosestrife this little rose, which has rather floppy, downward facing flowers but a really lovely fragrance.

I have decided to take pleasure in the small things and maybe one day I'll have another space to recreate the things I've loved. After all, as my boys keep reminding me, 'its only a garden' and there will be other places to plant beautiful things.

Sx