Gardening - paradise or purgatory...

Today has been something of a challenge.

I have this week off work and a list of things as long as your arm to catch up with, not least being facing the reality of the fact that we have to decide what we are going to do with our home of the past 20 years. 

I don't want to go into the details on here - suffice to say that almost 18 months ago I moved out of my family home into the little terraced house I've been renting ever since. That was an enormous wrench for all sorts of reasons and going back there has been difficult and infrequent to say the least. Each time I have had reason to go there its like walking back into a different bit of my life, only I don't quite belong there anymore. I feel simultaneously completely familiar and at home with every nook and cranny and absolutely like a stranger trespassing on someone else's turf. Its disquieting and uncomfortable to say the least and invariably turns me into a blubbering wreck for a while. Not something I'm good with - I'm the sort of person that copes with things by compartmentalising and 'doing' and I just don't know how to deal with some of the feelings that get thrown up.

Anyway, at some point, in the not too distant future we have to put the house on the market and move on with our lives. So, I/we have to start preparing for that... Unfortunately, pretty much nothing has been kept 'on top of' for the last 18 months - so today, with the sun trying to put a brave face on, I set off to try to tidy the garden up. Oh my word. How quickly does everything disappear under a mass of weeds? 

I started the day with a cup of tea in my tiny patch at the rented house...

This feels like a peaceful treat and I am really loving the daffs that have finally burst into flower and smell amazing. They went up and up while the weather was so grim so their tiny heads are nodding on such very long stalks! The blue hyacinths are doing well too, albeit rather late in the day - this bowl was planted with three white hyacinths which were all meant flower indoors. The white ones did exactly what they were supposed to - the blue ones? Nothing! I assumed they were duds and stuck the bowl outside, then lo and behold...!

The flowers almost look as though they are made of wax and this morning there were little drops of morning dew...

Its such a pleasure to see a bit of colour in the gardens again - everything has been so late but suddenly, within a week, the trees have leaves and the flower beds are painted with bright splashes...

The daffodils looked almost translucent with the sun shining on them...

Bold pansies seem to shout for attention...

I think this one is the most gorgeous colour...

Gardening stuff gathered (wasn't sure if I'd still be able to get in the shed at our/my/his house - never know what to call it now) I drove the 15 miles across there fully expecting it to be a bit of a challenge. But, boy, was that an understatement...

Everything is so overgrown, with weeds and the last couple of years dead growth choking all the plants. Only the fittest and strongest have survived as far as I can see and it felt a bit of a mammoth task. I tackled the bed in the front garden first...

And after about 2 hours or so of cutting back, digging and hoeing had regained a degree of order, allbeit with an awful lot of bare ground where things were swamped by weeds...

Then round to the back garden, slightly with heart in mouth... 

It all just looks so sad and neglected. Even the patio pots and troughs are all empty and falling apart...

When we moved to this house 20 years ago, there was nothing but a concrete path, a couple of tree stumps and a few daffodils in the garden. We put hours of work and a lot of love into making it a place that was nice to be in. My sons grew up here and that piece of grass has seen babies playing on it, pirate parties, first tentative goes without stabilisers on bikes, crowds of German exchange students partying with their 'hosts' and tents full of teenagers. We have had more family meals than I can count out on a big picnic table, endless barbecues - not always in the best weather! - and Easter Egg hunts, when you never quite managed to find every single egg. It is a big garden and it has always taken a fair bit of work - you can never just leave a garden to get on with it can you - but we used to pretty much keep on top of it and it always looked nice, especially in the Spring. 

This is what it looked like 2 years ago - for some reason, I can't make this picture bigger without it going all pixillated - I guess not masses of colour mid-April 2011 from a distance, but up close there were aquilegias and tulips, daffodils and bluebells, and all of the borders just about to burst into early summer glorious showing off.

Now...

Just a handful of tulips trying to survive through the nettles and dandelions. Some things have gone mad, others have just disappeared. It just made me feel very sad. Sad that we got to this position, sad that we have not been able to help each other out over the last 18 months after almost 30 years together and sad that we have to do so much work now, just to get this place ready to sell. Which I'm sure will be a wrench again. At the moment, I just can't think how on earth I'm going to manage to spend enough time there (when no-one's home, I'm not very welcome there generally) to get the house and garden looking nice again. It all feels a bit overwhelming.

I spent about 6 hours there today and just made a dent on the back garden. Central flower bed weeded, pruned and mulched...

Just the long bed on the right and (oh god!) the grass to go, oh and the patio...

There were odd bright patches though - this hardy little plant was vying for space bravely with the nettles...

Oh well, in the grand scheme of things, it is only a 'space' and its time to move on to a different space now. The memories and happy times will live in my head and my heart and the less than happy times will fade, I know. I'm sure it will all be ok eventually.

Fingers crossed for another dry day this week so I can get out there and tackle the 'big bed'!

Sx