Moving on - how and when??

I have had good intentions of writing a number of happy posts about stuff I've been up to or pictures I've taken. I'm really conscious that all things considered I have a lot to be thankful for and I do try to look at things in a positive light. But I just haven't managed to engender enough enthusiasm to write things down lately. 

Three years ago, my ailing marriage of 25 years fell apart. Spectacularly quickly in the end. No rows, no major drama, lots of tears and sadness. I moved out to give us breathing space and time to think and that was that. Its not that there is anything to regret really - we met very young and had some great years growing up together and enjoying seeing three wonderful sons turn into capable, caring men. So how is it, that three years on the odd thing can still completely floor me? Today, I inadvertently wrote his name in a Christmas card. I guess its habit of a lifetime, best part of 30 years as a 'unit' when I always wrote all the cards. Now I don't know how to sign them - just me, me and the boys, me and the youngest who is still living at home? When do you stop adding everyone's names? I put it off as long as I can each year and then the conventional part of me kicks in, spurred by the looming 'last posting date'. What struck me today was how ridiculous it is that every year I write cards to people I haven't seen for years (but feel connected to because we shared friendship at some stage and I still want to maintain that connection - I still like to hear what they're doing) and yet the man that I lived with for all those years and who, despite divorce (and all the anguish that brings), I will always be connected to because we have children (they're still our kids, even grown up) I can't speak to, or see at all or even send a Christmas card to.

He, of course, is completely entitled to move on in whichever way he feels best and if (as is the case) he wishes to have no contact with me at all that's his prerogative. We forgot how to care for each other in the last few years together and I'm not sure we could make each other happy any longer. From what the boys say he is much happier now - he's living a life he never wanted to do when he was with me and I'm glad he's been able to do that. But I can't shake off this feeling that it should be possible to be on friendly terms. How can you want to pretend half your life never happened? I value those years - even the tricky ones - we learned about life together, we share special memories of our children that no-one else can quite relate to in the same way, we became the people we are at least in part because of each other. I wish we were still able to enjoy sharing things the boys are doing.

Mostly, I feel ok about life. I keep busy, probably too busy, and things tick along. But I think I'm just treading water. I don't know how make forward progress. And just now and again, like today, I think I'm drowning. 

losing it...

Today has been a bit rubbish. Most of it I don't want to think about, never mind write about. And to top it all, I think I've lost my camera. Well I know I have, as I can't find it - just not sure if this is a permanent state of affairs. I know I had it with me when we were in the secondhand shops on Sunday, so maybe I put it down while i was poking around. Don't know. Just know, for now, I only have my phone for photos.

And...I've lost a hat and some gloves. Also had them on Sunday... sensing a bit of a theme here. Darn.

Today has been so cold I really missed my hat. So I had a little splurge on some half price Rowan Kidsilk Haze Glamour...

Need to get my knitting skates on so I have something to keep my head warm!

And, for those who were wondering...yes, finally, after several attempts and 3 different drill bits, my coat hooks and little shelf are fixed to the wall...

Hurrah.

Night all, let tomorrow bring better things.

S x

chaos...

Seems to be unending muddle at the moment. Doesn't do much for my spirits to be honest but I keep reminding myself this is all just steps along the way and eventually, at some point, we will all come out the other side enriched by the experience... At least that's the mantra I'm trying to tell myself!

Over the last few weeks, I have been trying to empty and sort and repack. After 20 years in one place, it is astonishing just how much stuff has accumulated! And made doubly difficult by the fact that I'm not actually living in that house now so have been going back in pretty much every spare moment to try to keep on top of the house and garden and begin to make it manageable to move everything out.

I wish I was the kind of person that could just be ruthless and thrash through everything but I seem to have to open every box and sort it bit by bit. I have found some gems along the way - some things that have made me laugh and some that have made me cry - and I have got rid of loads one way and another (hurrah for Freecycle!).

But there is just so much stuff... 

I seem to have enough duvets, sleeping bags and blankets to warm a small army (this is only some!) to say nothing of the endless airbeds... Why???!! No idea! This is pre the days of crochet so all of these came from various trips, family etc. Which is my problem! Everything I find has a memory attached - was given by someone loved or is associated with particular events and there is something very tangible about feeling those memories come back to life as you handle everything. I really struggled to part with the blanket on the top - I think it came on every beach trip or car ride and had every conceivable picnic item dropped on it at one time or another.

But... space is definitely an issue and I have to let things go so I had the bright idea of donating all these to the homeless charities... Only, can you believe it, they don't need them!!! Just as we head into winter it seems they are inundated with similar donations, though I struggle to understand how there can be no takers for a bit of warmth. Tom and I were tempted to take one out with us each time we go into the city and hand them out that way! Looks like they are going to pet charity instead - oh well, might keep a poorly pooch warm somewhere!

We did find this motley crew...

My childhood cuddly toys - from the left, my teddy bear - modelled on Teddy Robinson (anyone remember him?!) complete with dress and pants (no issues with cross dressing in our house!), a rather grubby knitted cat that I don't think I dare wash and a dog that never quite stood up because his head is a bit top heavy for his body! Tom has arranged them on my bed to keep me company!

We also found my Mum's bear...

I remember being slightly frightened of this rather cross looking koala as a child but he must be over 70 years old so I can't really part with him now can I!

Always a bit alarming when you come across a box labelled like this...

You just know that won't be a 5 minute sort out!

My tiny living room quickly descended into this chaos...

I have had to be a bit ruthless and I have scythed my way slowly (is that a bit of a mixed metaphor?!) through it. 

I had piles of Prima magazines - dating back to the very first issue in 1986!!

These were a bit like reading a social commentary of my adult life - with their range of hairstyles, make up and clothes. Some of the content is interesting to as an illustration of how much attitudes have changed - its a reminder of how recently, women were still primarily expected to be homemakers and family cornerstones. Not that there is anything wrong with that, and to a degree it is still true I suspect, but there does seem to be a thread of 'don't worry your little head about anything more serious' in the earlier copies.

I came across some fabulous old patterns too. This one sticks in my mind...

I made it in white mohair (I still have a ball that was left over!) and wore it for the first time at my 18th birthday party. Traumatic. Hadn't accounted for white underwear being much more responsive to the ultraviolet light at the disco... Mortified on the dance floor.

Thank goodness I never subjected my sons to any of these...

I'm not sure they'd have made it out of school alive if I'd made them wear 'Ski Cap' or 'Helmet (with brim down)!!

And I was obviously tempted enough by this stunning jumper pattern to cut it out of the magazine...

But I did find some fabulous pre war embroidery transfers that belonged to my Nanny and a linen tablecloth that has had the embroidery started, plus a baby blanket I started in March 1993 (what was I thinking of trying to knit a complicated pattern for baby no 3?!!) and some incomplete patchwork and a whole load of bits of fabric 'just in case'... So some things have gone back into storage for when the dust has settled and I need a 'project' and some I have jettisoned after a lengthy reminisce.

I have pored over my boys reception writing and paintings, and a whole box of Mothers day, Christmas and Easter cards...

Most of those I just cannot part with...

I still have a box of my diaries, dating back to about 1981 to look at! I should probably just throw them - I know there is going to be a fair amount of teen angst and a lot that will bring a lot of emotions to the fore - but I feel compelled to put myself through it. I can't really explain why. In a way, I think there is a sense of understanding who I am and how I got to be this person in this place in time. And although bits of it are painful in the extreme (notes and cards my husband and I wrote to each other, some before we were even married, my wedding dress...) in some ways they are at least a reminder that it wasn't all a disaster and that we did get married with conviction and for all the right reasons. I'm just at something of a loss to know quite how and when we allowed all those feelings to slip away.

But they did, and we are where we are. I have to believe that once all this muddle is over we will both be in a happier place and can cherish what we had and the contribution we have made to each others lives. 

In the meantime, we are at the mercy of solicitors and estate agents and I just have everything crossed that the t's will be crossed and the i's dotted before too much longer.

Gardening - paradise or purgatory...

Today has been something of a challenge.

I have this week off work and a list of things as long as your arm to catch up with, not least being facing the reality of the fact that we have to decide what we are going to do with our home of the past 20 years. 

I don't want to go into the details on here - suffice to say that almost 18 months ago I moved out of my family home into the little terraced house I've been renting ever since. That was an enormous wrench for all sorts of reasons and going back there has been difficult and infrequent to say the least. Each time I have had reason to go there its like walking back into a different bit of my life, only I don't quite belong there anymore. I feel simultaneously completely familiar and at home with every nook and cranny and absolutely like a stranger trespassing on someone else's turf. Its disquieting and uncomfortable to say the least and invariably turns me into a blubbering wreck for a while. Not something I'm good with - I'm the sort of person that copes with things by compartmentalising and 'doing' and I just don't know how to deal with some of the feelings that get thrown up.

Anyway, at some point, in the not too distant future we have to put the house on the market and move on with our lives. So, I/we have to start preparing for that... Unfortunately, pretty much nothing has been kept 'on top of' for the last 18 months - so today, with the sun trying to put a brave face on, I set off to try to tidy the garden up. Oh my word. How quickly does everything disappear under a mass of weeds? 

I started the day with a cup of tea in my tiny patch at the rented house...

This feels like a peaceful treat and I am really loving the daffs that have finally burst into flower and smell amazing. They went up and up while the weather was so grim so their tiny heads are nodding on such very long stalks! The blue hyacinths are doing well too, albeit rather late in the day - this bowl was planted with three white hyacinths which were all meant flower indoors. The white ones did exactly what they were supposed to - the blue ones? Nothing! I assumed they were duds and stuck the bowl outside, then lo and behold...!

The flowers almost look as though they are made of wax and this morning there were little drops of morning dew...

Its such a pleasure to see a bit of colour in the gardens again - everything has been so late but suddenly, within a week, the trees have leaves and the flower beds are painted with bright splashes...

The daffodils looked almost translucent with the sun shining on them...

Bold pansies seem to shout for attention...

I think this one is the most gorgeous colour...

Gardening stuff gathered (wasn't sure if I'd still be able to get in the shed at our/my/his house - never know what to call it now) I drove the 15 miles across there fully expecting it to be a bit of a challenge. But, boy, was that an understatement...

Everything is so overgrown, with weeds and the last couple of years dead growth choking all the plants. Only the fittest and strongest have survived as far as I can see and it felt a bit of a mammoth task. I tackled the bed in the front garden first...

And after about 2 hours or so of cutting back, digging and hoeing had regained a degree of order, allbeit with an awful lot of bare ground where things were swamped by weeds...

Then round to the back garden, slightly with heart in mouth... 

It all just looks so sad and neglected. Even the patio pots and troughs are all empty and falling apart...

When we moved to this house 20 years ago, there was nothing but a concrete path, a couple of tree stumps and a few daffodils in the garden. We put hours of work and a lot of love into making it a place that was nice to be in. My sons grew up here and that piece of grass has seen babies playing on it, pirate parties, first tentative goes without stabilisers on bikes, crowds of German exchange students partying with their 'hosts' and tents full of teenagers. We have had more family meals than I can count out on a big picnic table, endless barbecues - not always in the best weather! - and Easter Egg hunts, when you never quite managed to find every single egg. It is a big garden and it has always taken a fair bit of work - you can never just leave a garden to get on with it can you - but we used to pretty much keep on top of it and it always looked nice, especially in the Spring. 

This is what it looked like 2 years ago - for some reason, I can't make this picture bigger without it going all pixillated - I guess not masses of colour mid-April 2011 from a distance, but up close there were aquilegias and tulips, daffodils and bluebells, and all of the borders just about to burst into early summer glorious showing off.

Now...

Just a handful of tulips trying to survive through the nettles and dandelions. Some things have gone mad, others have just disappeared. It just made me feel very sad. Sad that we got to this position, sad that we have not been able to help each other out over the last 18 months after almost 30 years together and sad that we have to do so much work now, just to get this place ready to sell. Which I'm sure will be a wrench again. At the moment, I just can't think how on earth I'm going to manage to spend enough time there (when no-one's home, I'm not very welcome there generally) to get the house and garden looking nice again. It all feels a bit overwhelming.

I spent about 6 hours there today and just made a dent on the back garden. Central flower bed weeded, pruned and mulched...

Just the long bed on the right and (oh god!) the grass to go, oh and the patio...

There were odd bright patches though - this hardy little plant was vying for space bravely with the nettles...

Oh well, in the grand scheme of things, it is only a 'space' and its time to move on to a different space now. The memories and happy times will live in my head and my heart and the less than happy times will fade, I know. I'm sure it will all be ok eventually.

Fingers crossed for another dry day this week so I can get out there and tackle the 'big bed'!

Sx 

Oh dear...

Jemima 1/9/97 - 29/12/12

Since we lost her brother earlier this year Jemima had definitely looked a bit of an old lady. Bit wobbly on her legs, couldn't manage to jump onto the window sill anymore, hunting days just a dream...

But she has been ok, generally pretty content, eating and sleeping and doing what lazy cats do.

Then, yesterday, I had a call from Tom to say she didn't look right and did I want to go and see her...

Apparently, she'd been pottering about pretty much as usual but had fallen over a couple of times and hadn't eaten. When I got there she was asleep under a chair (not that unusual, she often slept in funny places!) but when she tried to stand up to say hello, she couldn't manage it. She was breathing very fast and just looked such a tiny frail little thing. 

So, vet the only option, with the inevitable consequence...

Now I know she's 'only' a cat, and I know it was the right thing to do, but I was a bit unprepared for how bowled over I felt/feel. Is it completely ridiculous to think that, after years of doing all the looking after, by moving away last year, I kind of abandoned everything, even the cats?! I know thats not really the case and I know that the demise of two elderly cats was inevitable at some point... But I feel sadder than I thought possible - this year has seen so many 'ends'... And both Basil and Jemima were such lovely cats, not independent, aloof felines - can't quite believe they've both gone. I'm hope they are chasing mice together, wherever cats go...

So, time to pull myself together and think positive thoughts for the New Year, roll on 2013...not usually one to wish the time away, but you can't come soon enough...

Basil

Jemima

the good days...

Having just transferred the photos from my camera and my phone, I suddenly realise I have loads of things I meant to blog about! The time just seems to be scooting by and I feel I barely have time to draw breath at the moment.

So this is a bit of a 'mixed bag' post I'm afraid - I have had busy days and relaxing days and there is a bit of each in here, plus a nod to the relentless surge towards 'you know what' day...

A couple of weeks ago, I hopped on a train to Cambridge to meet my sister who lives in the Midlands. Sort of half way house for us both. It was such a beautiful sunny day (feels like it might have been the last one we had!!) and as I walked in from the station I was looking forward to just spending a bit of time together.

Cambridge is full of such beautiful buildings...

...and bicycles are an integral part of the surroundings...

We talked a lot, walked, shopped a bit, talked some more, walked some more...

We stopped for coffee, lunch and tea (well, you have to don't you...!), listened to the earnest, clever undergraduates that wander along having intense conversations and got snapped by an art student who wanted to take photos for her coursework! (We were 'papped', dahling!!) We laughed a lot and hugged a bit and I was reminded again of just how much I love my big sister. She has been there for me consistently and without judgement and knows me better than anyone else. All in all a Good Day...

As was the next day... I had set myself a bit of a challenge to do all the normal stuff that I do for Christmas, even though this year I think it is going to be anything but 'normal', whatever that is now. I have always made mincemeat, christmas puddings and christmas cake - partly because I just always have (as did my mum, never have been able to get a taste for shop bought mincemeat) and partly because my eldest son has Coeliacs disease and has to have gluten free. Although there's a lot more around now than there was when he was diagnosed 21 years ago, we always had a bit of a policy of him not being the odd one out in his own home so I made GF for all of us.

So I filled the house with Christmassy smells... apples, cider, orange and lemon zest, cinnamon...

...soft brown sugar, raisins, sultanas, currants, almonds, cherries, mixed peel, ginger, mixed spice and grated nutmeg...

This is a suet free recipe - I have really struggled to get suet that is GF for the last couple of years but actually, am no longer convinced you really need mincemeat swimming in fat. This all gets brought to the boil and believe me, at this stage smelt divine!

I tend to do this a bit by guesswork and was a bit worried that it was a bit 'liquidy' but left to its own devices off the heat for a while, it just absorbed all that yummy spicy juice to plump up the fruit...

It just got a good slosh of brandy before potting up - why is there always just a bit over that doesn't make a full jar?!

Christmas cake and puddings next. Didn't take photos of everything but the boys humoured me by stirring the pudding mix and by the time the cake was baked and the puddings steamed I was actually beginning to feel a bit festive!

I'd had a bit of a 'need to get out of Norfolk' moment - actually, to be fair, its not really the county, more that I have days when I can't bear the thought of being cooped up in my house with no prospect of speaking to anyone unless I do an impromptu trip to the corner shop to check my voice works... (or I start talking to the radio...!). Anyway, on the spur of the moment I arranged to meet a friend in London for the day. What I hadn't realised was that she decided to treat me to lunch in Covent Garden (look at these for baubles!!!)...

...followed by the matinee of Mamma Mia (fab! and yes, I do still know all the words to all the Abba songs!) and then dinner in the evening with another friend who happened to be in London too and joined us. These are the people whose friendship I value hugely and are soooo good at thoughtful pick-me-ups. It was a lovely day and even the train journey back was OK. I had time to pick up a coffee and a couple of magazines at the station so spent a pleasant hour or so flicking through looking for inspiration...

I can't say I have been enjoying this autumn with its inevitable slide towards winter - it has just felt cold and dark, and a bit miserable. I think I have struggled to get out and even when I have, I've not felt much like taking photos. But this little bit of blue sky and the last few autumn leaves did catch my eye...

And finally... a bit of crafty stuff. I wouldn't say I've exactly got the bug again, but 'necessity is the mother of invention' as they say and I'm on a bit of a creative present haul right now...

These are the gloves I made with my Mum in mind...

However, in spite of me doing a tension square (I never normally bother!!) this pattern knitted up on the big side. I don't have particularly big hands but they are definitely bigger than Mum's and they were huge on me...

Don't ask me why I carried on and made both gloves...not one of my brighter moves... And after much deliberating, I decided I couldn't possibly give these as a gift, so rather than waste the lovely Rowan (bargain bin!) yarn, I pulled them out again and have started again with a different pattern...

Can you see that rather delicious stripy yarn in the background of this photo? This is a bamboo/wool mix and is gorgeously soft (although not much stretch I've since discovered) - bargain bin again (I am a regular rummager just lately...!) and intended for something for a friends little girl whose birthday is Boxing Day. But about at this point I realised they were just shouting 'Socks!!!' at me! So I am having a badly timed self indulgent moment here and making myself some socks with it. These are not subtle, shy retiring socks, but I am loving them so far...

I've had the sewing machine out too... Bit of recycling of an old pair of jeans into something for my nephews 6th birthday...

He's got into cooking just lately so I got him some baking things (found some great smiley face silicone mixing spoons) and thought he could do with his own pinny, with elastic and velcro so he can get it on himself. 

Looking back at this, feels I have got more done this month than I thought! Some nice days out, some seasonal kitchen time, progress on presents...

On the down side, some pretty low days, lots of grey sky and rain, a complete inability to make any progress towards sorting out my home situation, huge amounts of stress at work... But I have deliberately not taken photos of the miserable stuff and even that bit of blue sky in these pics has cheered me up.

Just this I had to take...

I live in a terraced street and I came out to go to work last week to find this! I hadn't parked like that for sure! And when I looked at the back...

Some charming individual had hit my parked car, shunting it into the one in front! No sign of the culprit of course and no details left... So this has cost me £400 in insurance excess, lost no claims discount and I am currently car-less while it is sorted out, meaning my planned trip to see middle son in time for his birthday is off. Not happy.

Am trying to tell myself, its only a car and only money (!!!) but when I finally resolve the details of dividing our house/finances/etc etc and look for a more long term home, secure parking is up there on the list of must haves!!!

I am taking the view that these things are sent to try us and that life has a way of keeping going... So I will look at the pictures of blue skies and enjoy my bright stripy socks and not let it get to me. 

Til next time, then...

Sx

PS this has taken me forever to write because I have had such a job to get photos to load tonight. Has anyone else had this problem? I've ended up having to pay for extra Picasa storage but it still seems to be slow and a bit temperamental. Grr...