Sometimes I wonder if the years are all difficult, or if being on your own makes you more acutely aware of things with too much time for introspection, or perhaps I have just forgotten to notice the happy at times. I have been trying to diarise a bit of late - the old fashioned way, with pen and paper, in an effort to get circular thoughts out of my head but perhaps a summary here will put things in perspective for me.
It feels as though the last 5 years have been especially hard going - I still cannot believe it is almost 5 years since my Mum got sick and died in the space of a few months, way too soon, the following two years were largely dictated by the pandemic, with the added complication of two house moves and a long period of turmoil between homes, with my life on hold and all my familiar things in storage. The high spot in 2021 was the birth of my grandson, after a complicated pregnancy and difficult delivery, only for my poor son and daughter in law to have the trauma of first baby becoming very unwell post delivery, needing a week in NICU, followed by her becoming acutely unwell with sepsis from post C-section infection and a prolonged recovery. It has taken them a long time to get through everything and, whilst he is a happy, energetic, mostly healthy toddler, with a bright mind and a lively imagination, he seems to have inherited the family allergy genes and had a run of hospital admissions with acute asthma like illness and respiratory failure, until he got established on treatment. In 2020 my youngest son emigrated to Czech Republic, which is bittersweet because I think it is the right thing for him but I miss him hugely. Towards the end of 2021 I began to have increasing problems with low back pain - a long standing niggling problem, which became more acute by the summer of that year with new and worsening neurological symptoms. Forward to 11/11/22 - urgent spinal surgery to relieve the pressure on lumbar nerve roots and spinal cord, with some immediate relief but by Spring this year the pain had shifted to the right side and I found myself back in the orthopaedic waiting room and ultimately back on the operating table for a more complex surgery to stabilise my spine 2 weeks ago, from which I think I have a long way to recover. At the moment, my key loves and things that have saved my sanity on many occasions over the last 10 years or more, the garden, walking and yoga, are all out of the question. I can't drive, can only hobble a few yards on crutches and bending and twisting is not allowed. After almost 40 years of nursing, being on the other side of the fence has been an education and, for the most part, a difficult experience. Whilst most people I have had interactions with have been kind and the standard of care has been mostly good, a prolonged admission is undoubtedly dehumanising and disempowering, the system assumes many things I hadn't realised and being dependent is an eye opener into the future as a single woman who can no longer ignore that 'late middle age' is actually a reality. In the middle of all this, my Dad, who we have had a difficult relationship for many years, went from a pretty well and very independent 82year old, still working and travelling regularly, to increasingly frail over 3 weeks and then dying in the ITU on the 3rd morning of a short admission, leaving a complex probate to sort out and bringing up many emotions, memories, regrets and old traumas I thought long dealt with. It's been a lot.
In the interests of balance, there have been high points, 3 weddings, graduations, a new baby, a new home with a garden that has given me more pleasure than I had realised it would, a greenhouse (which last year extended my time outside and saved me a fortune in tomatoes and cucumbers over the summer), some rebalancing of work-life, with the realisation that life is short and unpredictable and that contact with family and friends matters more than anything else. I have reconnected with some old friends, had immense support during the tough times and been able to give support in return to those having their own challenges to face. We have had special family times, the joy of reconnection with friends and family after months of lockdowns, and a few treats in the form of a few days abroad, or in Scotland or the Lakes, and the novelty of rediscovering theatre and live shows - Diana Ross at the Albert Hall being one for the memory bank, full of sparkle and laughter.
When I look back at those two paragraphs, the disparity in size is striking - perhaps I have missed some of the good things but, regardless, I need 2024 to be kinder. And perhaps part of that is being kinder to myself.
So...to catch up, have I taken enough photos to complete the photo hunt I set myself (note to self - don't repeat! one more thing that feels like a bit of pressure when unplanned things start to crowd in!)? Some of these may be a bit tenuous but here goes with something...
Unexpected | Feb | Free | Oct |
Thought provoking | May | Important | May |
Exotic | Aug | Yellow | Jan |
Interesting | Mar | Valuable | Jul |
Exciting | Apr | Old | Jun |
Happy | Feb | Fresh | Jun |
Rough | Jan | Smaller than a mouse | |
Golden | Jul | Purple | Feb |
You love | Feb | Glittery | Jun |
Tasty | Jul | Orange | |
Shiny | Dec | Dirty | |
Colourful | Jan | Fluffy | Sept |
Light | Jul | Green | Mar |
Tall | Jan | Alive | Aug |
Black | With wheels | ||
Smooth | Oct | Short | |
White | Mar | With hair | |
Special | May | Heavy | |
Soft | Pink | Apr | |
Wet | Apr | Noisy | Oct |
That moves | May | Blue | Mar |
Tiny | Apr | Hard | Sept |
Sharp | Aug | Clean | Sept |
Red | Aug | To eat | Jun |
