The last couple of weeks have been very strange. Some professional and personal highs but an overwhelming feeling that things are 'not quite right'.
And I can't quite explain, to myself or anyone else, how or why I feel like this. Change seems inevitable, and confusing and scary. I don't know if this will make any sense but I need to get some of this out of my head and try to be a bit more objective. Feel free to stop reading now - this post has no joy or colour and I can't find a happy place today. Its really just for my own 'therapy'.
A very long time ago I put myself into a 'box'. At the time, that was exactly where I thought I wanted to be. It felt like a safe place that represented independence and having a 'grown up' life. The trouble was, I wasn't grown up at all and didn't know who I was or how to think. And before very long, I think I realised that the box was going to feel very cramped and I might not have room to grow.
But by then my box was spinning along on life's path and there was a reason for me to be in that place - there were other people who needed me and my purpose was firmly tied to it.
For much of the time, this has been OK. It hasn't been an unhappy place all the time and probably one I should feel very grateful for. Which makes me feel particularly guilty that I feel the constraints so keenly now that I am not so 'needed'.
Over the last few years I have had a few opportunities to push open the lid and breathe some bright new air. And on a few occasions escape the box altogether for a while. And that has been liberating and stimulating and has helped me to finally learn some things about myself. But it has not always been easy to come back to the box and experiences outside feel like a separate world.
I have no desire to hurt the people I love who are inevitably affected by any change. It seems that the world outside is an exciting and inviting place but what if I'm wrong? What if the lid springs shut and I lose everything and everyone connected with that previous safe place?
I feel as though I'm in a very lonely place and I know no-one else can give me any answers. It has been suggested that I will never be happy, that I will always be looking for something else. I don't think that's true, but perhaps that is a risk?
I don't want to be sad and unhappy and I don't want to cause any more sadness and unhappiness. Neither do I want to pretend there is no problem and end up angry and bitter. I think life is too precious for that and all of us deserve better.
I don't know if this makes any sense - not sure it does to me really.
Will try to find some happy things for next time.