Monday, 5 November 2012

November musings...

At risk of sounding like my grandmother...where on earth has this year gone?

I have just been browsing through a few blogs and I realised I have been rubbish at keeping my thoughts and memories in print this year. It looks as though I did nothing at all in October and my ability to recall anything in any detail is so lousy that it will probably stay that way.

In fact I have been silly busy. I've been a bit buried in work - if I'm honest, there is probably an element of 'head in the sand' there. I have been there a long time, I know what I'm doing and I feel like I have something to contribute. And I have very good friends there. At home it's all still very unsettled and if I have too much time on my hands I have an annoying tendency to over-analyse and make myself feel a bit rubbish. So I find myself at work way more than I should be and more than ever I think I'm not doing a good job on the work-life balance thing. Life is never endingly complicated!

I am really struggling to feel good about the changing seasons. I go to work in the dark, I come home in the dark. Its been cold and wet and generally a bit grim. Yuk. 

I have days when I just don't want to get out of bed.

I have taken next to no photos and I think on most days I've forgotten to look at the little things.

But I have had some highlights...and I think I just need to give myself a little nudge to remember..

I've been to the theatre - Death on the Nile and The Marriage of Figaro, culturally miles apart but each great in their way. I was a closet Agatha Christie reader as a teenager and loved the play at the theatre. I'm a newbie to opera - this was only the second I've been to - but I'm loving the experience. At risk of sounding a complete philistine, I'm not sure operatic farce is quite my cup of tea - the music was beautiful but the story was just a bit silly...

I've seen some really good films at the cinema - all quite different but good in their own way. Untouchable made me laugh and cry, Beasts of the Southern Wild was moving and beautiful and Skyfall this evening was...well, Bond, of course.

I've done a bit of 'Gawd, must think about Christmas...' and begun to make a few pressies. Inspired by this post and having happened on some lovely soft Rowan Cashsoft (merino, cashmere and acrylic blend) in the bargain bucket at John Lewis, I made a shawl which I think I'll give to my sister. It only took a couple of evenings - if I ever get a chance and some decent daylight, I'll take some pics and post it. I have a few birthdays to cover with pre Christmas too and have some sewing ideas in mind for those. Just waiting for some holiday time to get on with them...

I've joined a gym. Bit of a bargain basement one but clean and has all the kit and I imagine one gym is pretty much like another. I don't think I will ever feel entirely comfortable with the whole communal sweating in lycra thing, but it does mean I can keep up my running through the winter ('cause I am way too much of a cold wimp to get up and run early in the dark and the rain...).

I've spent time with lovely people - some good friends who know just when is the right night to say "I can't face eating alone tonight, why don't you come over?" and my lovely sons who have given me more strength than I feel I should ever have expected from them. 

It is very strange to be 'with' one person for the best part of 30 years and then barely have any contact at all and whilst I know that this was a necessary step, the journey is difficult and painful. I feel enormous waves of guilt and sadness and I do miss aspects of that relationship hugely. You have so much shared history - we grew up together, or at least alongside each other, and there are things we know about each other that no-one else does. I hope one day, we will be able to look back and think we weren't unkind to each other and that we both have a better chance of being happy now. I think we are beginning to make baby steps towards unravelling our joint lives so that we can both be individuals. But its a bit of a roller coaster ride and some days are much tougher than others.

Overall, I have lots to be happy and grateful for and I just need to remember to tell myself that sometimes! I quite miss the photo scavenger hunt lists - I need a bit of a kick to motivate me sometimes, perhaps I should set myself a little visual challenge to kick me out of myself a bit... 

Anyway, enough, this wasn't meant to be morose - just a reflection on where I'm at. Life goes on and I have to believe things will sort themselves for the best in the end. Onwards and upwards and all that...



  1. I so know what you mean about the year whizzing by. I'm sure a few weeks ago I was planning to be so regular at blogging this year and make it a regular thing. Yet I think I've managed about 8 or so posts! That's life though, like the rest of your post... things come along and the time to reflect is not always available or wanted for that matter. I'm sorry about your separation, it does sound hard but I think your outlook is fantastic. Onwards and upwards is always the best way to look.
    I have also started going to exercise classes - legs, bums and tums. I am remarkably uncoordinated and self conscious as the instructor changes moves and everyone else catches on whilst I am still doing the previous moves. I go red in the face and sweaty whilst everyone else looks composed. Also, most of the other people already HAVE the legs bums and tums I am after!! Must persevere...
    Sorry for rambling! kerry x

  2. It certainly has whizzed by. Maybe it's my age but I feel like December is always creeping up when you least expect it too. I mean, it comes along at the same time every year, yet always takes me by surprise :)

  3. What an honest thoughtful post. Time just slips away - good to catch up with you & glad that you have friends who know the right thing to say.

  4. I can so relate to what you wrote. It does get easier and one day you will wake up and feel amazing. Trust me!! I will never be friends with my second husband, however I am good friends with my first (father to the three kids) and feel blessed that we can have that relationship.
    Your boys love you so much, I am very lucky that I have kids who love me too and we get on so well together.
    I feel the same about the year whizzing by, almost Christmas eek!
    xoxo Sandi


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