Wednesday, 16 February 2011

musing on motherhood...

I have the feeling that my 'mothering' responsibilities are almost done - well, not 'done' exactly - of course I will always be there for my kids - but my desire and obligation to get them safely through childhood so that they can start their adult lives as happy, confident, caring people...well that bit, I think we are nearly there.

As I think I've said before - I'm not quite sure how I feel about that. Somewhat torn between relief - after all what I absolutely want is for them all to be able to be successful, independent grown ups - and panic about where that leaves me now! It is the oddest feeling - I suppose its a bit of a transitional thing and once they are all settled it will be easier to adjust. Just now, I feel in neither one place or another.

My biggest 'baby' has turned 22 today. That hardly seems possible! How can it be so long since we came home from the hospital with this tiny child that I felt protective of but if I'm honest, didn't quite know what to do with! I was only 22 myself then! I think part of my dilemma is that by assuming such an important 'grown-up' role so early I didn't establish Me first - so now I'm having a slight crisis about what I want out of life now.

Perhaps I need to stop over-analysing everything (as R says I have a tendency to do) and just let what will be happen?

Anyway, for now - mothering duty is still required!

Not too big for birthday cake yet! This is a squidgy chocolate roulade - not a traditional birthday cake, but a bit of a favourite as it contains no flour so a good gluten free option.

And although I couldn't quite manage 22 candles, singing and candle blowing still obligatory! I wonder if he still made a wish?!

Have felt oddly emotional all day today - the memory of 22 years ago today is as clear as if it were yesterday and I do so love the person that baby has become!

Currently waiting for a summons to collect him from the pub - taxi duty still required too!!

Tried to do a bit of 'proper' academic work today - I do need to give myself a proper talking to! I am finding it so hard to keep focussed! Have resorted to copious amounts of this...

I think I would struggle to get through the day without caffeine at the moment! I love this little mug - it is a sweet old bone china one that used to belong to my mum. Its a bit faded from 'Mr Nobody' keep putting it in the dishwasher (do you have one a Mr Nobody in your house too?!!) which I'm sure it doesn't like, but I like the size and the quaintness of it. And I do like to drink out of bone china!!!!

Tomorrow, I have a day off in lieu of having to work at the weekend so I am challenging myself to get a chapter of my dissertation at least drafted - NO excuses!!! I keep promising myself little treats - if I get a good chunk done tomorrow, I will allow myself some uninterrupted hooky time in the evening!! 

And one more photo for now - time for mid-month garden picture...

I'm not sure it looks very different from January's pic from this distance - apart from the uncharacteristic bit of blue sky yesterday - but there are a few little changes happening and it will be interesting to look at the gradual changes at the end of the year.

Have just reread this post and realise it is a bit disjointed and bitty! Not functioning very well today - time to call it a day I think!!


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