Monday, 23 January 2012

Dark times...

Today has been a black day. A 'can't shake it off' kind of day.

Yesterday I had a conversation which set off waves of guilt and anxiety and overwhelming sadness and I can't seem to pull myself back from there. I feel this enormous responsibility for having pulled out the safety catch and no sense of being able to make sure everyone is ok. 

What I am learning is that some people, often with good intent, offer advice and words of 'wisdom' without  being able to have any understanding of the experiences that have got me to the place I'm at now. Mostly, I manage to disregard the mis-targeted and accept the relevant. But just sometimes it gets to me.

I don't want to be judged, any more than I want anyone else to be judged. I'm not sure why acknowledging that you have been unhappy for a long time, and making a positive choice to do something about that, is perceived to be the easy option. The easy option would have been to keep my head down, not make waves and grow old and sad. I truly believe that to continue as life was would have resulted in much more long term unhappiness for everyone.

Perhaps I do have control issues. I certainly feel bits of life are out of control now - and I have no way or right to try to regain control. And I have to accept that its an uncomfortable feeling.

Today I am fighting a desire to just hide away, a kind of inertia that threatens to paralyse...

Tomorrow is/would have been my silver wedding anniversary...


  1. I don't have any words of advice, but it sounds like you've had enough of that for the time being anyway. I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and hope some brighter days come your way very soon xx

  2. No advice either, but you only get one go at this life and you deserve to be happy! Good luck!

  3. Sometimes a hug is the only thing that can help. So I am sending a GREAT BIG HUG to you right now.
    xXx Helen

  4. Sending you a BIG (((hug))...I get days like that and I always fine a cup of herbal tea and an early night curled up with a good book is quite healing. Tomorrow is another day...

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  6. Hi Sandra sounds like a combination of the "advice" and perhaps the understandable feelings you will feel regarding tomorrows anniversary that is making you feel this way, I hope that in the days to come you feel lighter and brighter, sendings hugs your way x

  7. Oh Sandra I just love how people 'give advice' when they have never walked even one inch in your shoes. I also made the same decision as you, however my children were very young. I was judged etc. and had some very dark days, but had the same feeling as you, if it had continued we would all have been SO much unhappier, as it is my first hubby and I are good friends to this day for which I am very grateful for. I feel that if we had continued on as husband and wife we would have ended up hating each other and our children would have been affected in a very negative way. My feeling is.....people should concentrate on getting on with their own lives and stop meddling/giving their opinions etc (however well meaning) in other peoples lives. I found that the people that did that really wanted to make a change too but fear got in the way.
    I hear you and I support you and your decision, just wish I could come and have a cuppa with you.
    xx Sandi

  8. Hi Sandra. Friends can give unwanted, unasked for ( unwelcome ) advice sometimes and yet be absolutley no support at all when you desperatley need it ! I find this most disturbing.
    What I do find though that just sometimes one little unexpected action can give you hope and reassurance which means the world.
    So easy to judge and so hard not to. My parents separated at my mother's instigation ( she left the family home ) during the lead up to their 25th wedding anniversary. I was fifteen & the only one of four children still at home so went with my mother. She had spent years believing that it was better to live as a family under one roof.
    I have two female frieds in their fifties who are unhappy in their marriages & both currently in the throws of separation or divorce & the selling of the family house. It does seem to me that perhaps they should have done what you have done and caused less destruction to husbands & children. You made a brave choice.
    I hope you feel less sad and come to terms with your choice. We do not judge you we are here to support you. I hope the comments give you some comfort xx

  9. I know this time of year is sometimes hard for people, I hope you feel less sad soon and think of the bright days ahead.

  10. I know you are correct about making the more difficult choice and not hiding away.
    I hope that after tomorrow you begin to feel better.


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