Today has been a black day. A 'can't shake it off' kind of day.
Yesterday I had a conversation which set off waves of guilt and anxiety and overwhelming sadness and I can't seem to pull myself back from there. I feel this enormous responsibility for having pulled out the safety catch and no sense of being able to make sure everyone is ok.
What I am learning is that some people, often with good intent, offer advice and words of 'wisdom' without being able to have any understanding of the experiences that have got me to the place I'm at now. Mostly, I manage to disregard the mis-targeted and accept the relevant. But just sometimes it gets to me.
I don't want to be judged, any more than I want anyone else to be judged. I'm not sure why acknowledging that you have been unhappy for a long time, and making a positive choice to do something about that, is perceived to be the easy option. The easy option would have been to keep my head down, not make waves and grow old and sad. I truly believe that to continue as life was would have resulted in much more long term unhappiness for everyone.
Perhaps I do have control issues. I certainly feel bits of life are out of control now - and I have no way or right to try to regain control. And I have to accept that its an uncomfortable feeling.
Today I am fighting a desire to just hide away, a kind of inertia that threatens to paralyse...
Tomorrow is/would have been my silver wedding anniversary...