2011 comes to an end...

I appreciate that actually the end of 2011 is old news now but, for me, this is always going to be connected with major life changes, a complete reconfiguring of the way things were supposed to be. A lot of it was (and still is at times) very painful and sad but I think it also marks new beginnings and opportunities and a sense of personal honesty. And frankly, at 45, I think I have to start to believe in myself and trust my life choices. Doesn't mean they will be right all the time but life is not a controlled trial and we can never measure for sure if we are doing the right thing. I think I just came to a point when I knew life didn't feel right...

I have to say my timing was a bit rubbish! If I was writing a 'how to' guide on making momentous decisions I'd probably say the lead up to Christmas was one time to avoid. But life has a habit of kind of hijacking you and suddenly it seemed like the only thing to do, bad timing or not.

I had a trip to London planned the first week in December - had been arranged ages before life turned on its head and I decided to go anyway. Probably a very bad idea - I had picked up the keys to my new house the weekend before I went away and moved in properly the day after I came back. Normally I love being in London and I was with good friends, with nice things planned...but emotionally it felt all wrong and actually it was a bit of a mixed week.

I must have had my head in the wrong place because I didn't take many photos but there are a few of the things I loved...

I had been given tickets to the Degas exhibition at the Royal Academy of Arts, preceded by a posh breakfast at a lovely restaurant nearby. I went with a friend and it was a real treat. I absolutely loved the art - I guess you could think it was too much of one thing (another friend commented just lots of pictures of ballet dancers...) but I really enjoyed it. I have always wished I had the skill to draw or paint and, to me, there is something really magical about that ability to capture in a picture a sense of movement. And the breakfast was yum too!

London at Christmas is always a treat - I can't believe I forgot to take any pictures of the lights on Oxford and Regent Street but the displays in the grand department stores were food for the soul, full of colour and that strange combination of opulence and slightly over the top tackiness...

Think this was in Fenwick's if I remember rightly - appalling photo I'm afraid, seriously wasn't right in the head and kept getting the settings wrong! 

But they were spectacular pink feathers and excessively bauble-decked trees!

I loved the rows of colourful displays...

In contrast to the brashness and bustle of the shopping streets, I took myself off for a quiet walk in the parks one day and, if you turned away from the Christmas fairs dotted about, it was very peaceful amongst the random trees in blossom!

I suppose it was the unseasonally mild weather we'd had, but I'm not sure I've noticed blossom on trees in early December before and it was very beautiful if a bit bizarre.

Apologies in advance now... the next bit is a little glance over Christmas, which almost passed me by but, largely because of my lovely sons, happened anyway and was still nice - just a bit different from previous years. They insisted I had a tree at my house too and my eldest son sorted out a big box of decorations for me to have, including a few of the 'homemade' ones that, of course, are the best sort.

I am still a bit short on furniture so was very glad of this little tree to fill a corner of the room!

These little wooden deccies I picked up in Winter Wonderland in Hyde Park...

...and I love the little glass ornaments that sparkle in the lights...

The house I'm in now has a proper mantelpiece (sadly not a real fire - but not a bad living flame imitation) and it gave me a little happy buzz to string up my crochet stars from last year...

Sorry its such a dark picture, camera couldn't cope with the contrasts, but I hope you get a sense of the cosiness. The stars could have been made for this fireplace!

I went back to the family home for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day - clearly Christmas is not just for little children! Festive attire obligatory for one son...

No shortage of parcels under the tree...

(I'd like to point out at this stage that a number of these were still to be delivered so not quite as excessive as it looks!)

Middle son stayed away for the first time this year - unrelated to the upheaval at home, just 21, with a girlfriend he wanted to spend the time with - completely reasonable but a bit odd all the same (when do you stop noticing the gaps?!) but the two still at home managed to relax...

...and enjoy...

(I promise the cat was unharmed in this photo!)

I was working Boxing Day so headed back to my place Christmas night. It was very odd to be alone that evening but I have decided there are pros and cons - one of these days I might make myself a list if I feel the need to prove it. 

Overall, I think we got through December and Christmas OK - I miss the boys more than I had ever imagined. You think that actually as grown up children, whilst they live under your roof, they are busy living their own lives and spend relatively little time with you. But I underestimated the value I placed on the day to day contact - passing on the stairs, conversations in the kitchen, all that incidental keeping in touch with their days. Initially, particularly, I found that very difficult but now I think we are settling into a new routine - they come to me when it suits them and we have good, quality time when we probably talk more than we have made time to do for a while.

Its early days yet and we are all still finding our feet but I feel positive about this New Year and truly believe that the happy days will outweigh the sad.

I promise that's the end of the Christmas-fest! Next time, I'll give you a snapshot of my new surroundings and the things that are making me happy here...

Til then, and belatedly of course, Happy New Year and here's to 2012!

Sx

and back in the room...

It seems like an age but finally...I can reconnect!

Such a lot has happened in the last few months, I feel I may take a while to catch up with myself. Much of it is of no interest to anyone else and I'm not sure I want to log for posterity so will probably go unsaid. What is certain, having had a quick glance, is that I will definitely not catch up with the  long list of blogs I haven't read so going to start afresh from today!

I do have a whole lot of photos I want to share - a bit of this...

...a bit of this...

and other things that have helped me keep going...

I want to share something of my new surroundings and some of what life has brought my way...

BUT...and this is quite a big but..! Being cut off from the internet has been something of an education! In lots of ways it has been a complete pain - no access to so many important things (just have a count today of how many times you read, hear or are told "just check on the website...", my phone bill was enormous this month), have felt cut off from things I enjoy or count as social connections - I could go on (believe me, I have really missed the web!!!). But - I have probably done more 'other' stuff by force of having more time - I have read several books, finished the ripple blanket, a pair of socks, a jumper, listened to a lot of radio, been for long walks, read the paper (can't remember when I last did that! still can't finish the crossword...) etc etc

So...I am aiming to be a bit more disciplined with my web time - do the 'have to do' stuff first then allow a bit of browsing time but maybe have a cut off so I go and do something else! Aim for more balance...that seems to be something I should probably apply to life in general!

Overall though, glad to be back, looking forward to seeing what people are up to, very grateful for the messages I have had during my downtime and may have a little rush of posts in the next few days while I bring myself up to date!

Til then

Sx

Christmas best wishes...

Just taking the opportunity of a bit of wifi to say Happy Christmas to you all!

Think this is going to be a slightly unusual Christmas but intending to work hard to make it a happy one. So far, sausage rolls, mince pies and Dundee cake made, chocolate brownies in lieu of yule log (well...variation on a theme really!) - turkey waiting to be stuffed, parcels all wrapped and under the tree.

All good then...just one slight crisis on the make front; time seems to have beaten me for one present, if I stay up late tonight I might just manage to get it part completed and it may have to be an IOU for the other half - oops!

Wishing you the very best of Christmases, here's to health, happiness and Christmas dinner co-ordinating itself tomorrow!

Til next time
Sx

life goes on...

Just a quick update...

In the last couple of weeks, I have moved house and started life over again. It all feels very strange and a bit surreal (and to be frank the timing could have been better!) but I think it will be for the best in the long run. I miss the boys all the time, but they know where I am and I hope will soon feel they can treat this as a second home in town. 

And of course, Christmas is still happening, work continues unabated and the day to day 'stuff' still continues... 

For the time being, I have no home internet connection (feel like I've had my arms cut off!!) hence the erratic nature of posting, and looks like my good intentions to complete the December photo hunt may be thwarted by general life stuff and lack of access to the web! Think perhaps I will just give in gracefully and try to get back to some kind of normal when I am 'reconnected' in mid-January.

In the meantime, amazingly (with the exception of the baking!) I think I am pretty much ready for the 25th, and I am making progress of crafty projects...

I wish you all a very happy christmas and look forward to catching up properly in 2012...

constancy...

Since my last post life has turned itself somehow upside down...

Lots of change happening and it has been painful and difficult and will probably continue to be for some time. Too difficult to go into here - suffice to say, I am unlikely to manage any more garden mid month pics and I haven't taken even one of the photos for the scavenger hunt this month. And am not likely to. At some point I expect I will be able to bring you up to date - I have had some very kind and thoughtful messages which are appreciated and have helped hugely.

However...crochet has continued. In fact, I have probably done more in the last few weeks than I have managed for a while...in part because I have been diverting my attention with it and in part because Christmas is looming nearer and required me to get on with it!!

So, time for a quick update...

Progress on the ripple blanket...

I was a bit surprised to see just how much this has grown when I laid it out properly today - I think I am nearly there!!! Maybe a dozen or so more stripes then I think it will be time to tackle a border. If I'm honest I'm a little undecided about a border - maybe it doesn't need it? But then I always think a border just finishes things off? Any thoughts?

Whichever I do, I am enjoying the colours and the stripes and the rhythmic ripply creation of this blanket. Plus I am sleeping under this blanket-in-progress (unsewn ends and all!) and it is a lovely cosy layer.

The other makes are pressies...

You'll have to excuse the photos! Its not easy to take a picture from arms length, 'blind' - particularly when you are trying to keep your chin out of the way! You may remember I mentioned ages ago the King Cole Riot yarn I bought in Derbyshire - well it has been made into this lacy scarf...

This was an easy pattern of treble clusters that grew in no time and was quick to finish.

Plus...

...a twirly scarf! Again, very easy to do, just lots of trebles on a big hook but very loooong rows! This wool/acrylic blend does work up into lovely soft fabric and I do hope the recipients will like them! 

I have almost finished a second twirly scarf...

...only, irritatingly, I was just a little bit short and had to go and buy another ball today. Which means, of course, that there will be some over...!

Hope to get back into regular swing of blogland once things settle down, til then, thanks for popping by.

Sx

strange times...

The last couple of weeks have been very strange. Some professional and personal highs but an overwhelming feeling that things are 'not quite right'. 

And I can't quite explain, to myself or anyone else, how or why I feel like this. Change seems inevitable, and confusing and scary. I don't know if this will make any sense but I need to get some of this out of my head and try to be a bit more objective. Feel free to stop reading now - this post has no joy or colour and I can't find a happy place today. Its really just for my own 'therapy'.

A very long time ago I put myself into a 'box'. At the time, that was exactly where I thought I wanted to be. It felt like a safe place that represented independence and having a 'grown up' life. The trouble was, I wasn't grown up at all and didn't know who I was or how to think. And before very long, I think I realised that the box was going to feel very cramped and I might not have room to grow.

But by then my box was spinning along on life's path and there was a reason for me to be in that place - there were other people who needed me and my purpose was firmly tied to it.

For much of the time, this has been OK. It hasn't been an unhappy place all the time and probably one I should feel very grateful for. Which makes me feel particularly guilty that I feel the constraints so keenly now that I am not so 'needed'.

Over the last few years I have had a few opportunities to push open the lid and breathe some bright new air. And on a few occasions escape the box altogether for a while. And that has been liberating and stimulating and has helped me to finally learn some things about myself. But it has not always been easy to come back to the box and experiences outside feel like a separate world. 

I have no desire to hurt the people I love who are inevitably affected by any change. It seems that the world outside is an exciting and inviting place but what if I'm wrong? What if the lid springs shut and I lose everything and everyone connected with that previous safe place?

I feel as though I'm in a very lonely place and I know no-one else can give me any answers.  It has been suggested that I will never be happy, that I will always be looking for something else. I don't think that's true, but perhaps that is a risk?

I don't want to be sad and unhappy and I don't want to cause any more sadness and unhappiness. Neither do I want to pretend there is no problem and end up angry and bitter. I think life is too precious for that and all of us deserve better.

I don't know if this makes any sense - not sure it does to me really. 

Will try to find some happy things for next time.

Sx

finding the inner child...

Today has been grey, drizzly and generally grim. Difficult to feel enthusiastic about anything, let alone the thought of standing in a muddy field in the dark for best part of an hour.

But...the rain just stopped in time, the jacket potatoes and chilli were in the oven so we set off for the local fireworks display...

Our village is only small but it is renowned for its pretty spectacular firework display and attended by hundreds of people crowding onto the small private airfield.

The bonfire was already getting going by the time we arrived, chucking out an appreciable amount of heat even at a distance...

And there is something about fireworks that just rekindles that bit of child in me...

I think its that sense of anticipation combined with lovely colours and patterns...

I love the sound and the smells...

This one crackled like popping candy...

Its not quite the same going without excited small children in tow - the one big person who came with us disassociated himself as soon as possible! But it still gave me a much needed buzz.

Hope you all had sparkly times tonight.

Sx